Elizabeth Grey, The Kindergarten Queen.

Tuesday was a happy day around here. You started Kindergarten!

 

I won’t get too deep, but I do want to note three things that I am taking away from this week:

Preparation is key.

Aside from the typical school supplies and paperwork, kindergarten is a milestone for the entire family that takes preparation. Before the summer began, I was sure to mention how things would change before the changes actually occurred. I didn’t want you to be caught off guard. We talked about new school routes, rode by your new school often, chose new decor for your room …that you would be sleeping in. by yourself. in your own bed. (We are still working on that part.) 🙃 We shopped for clothes and shoes (shoutout to your godparents). We even began picking out your clothes the night before. This one is one of your favorite parts about our new normal. Your other favorite part is that you get to ride a van to after school.

 

Parents must parent.

I think it’s important to note the intricacies of co-parenting under two roofs here. It is challenging! I do my best to remain civil with your dad, even when we don’t agree (which is a lot). But I can honestly say that it was so special that he was present for your first day of school. He made it a priority to show up and help celebrate you on your special day. We all even rode in the car and walked you into class together. Trust me, this is a big deal! And it just reminds me, that even in the midst of all of the complicated realities of co-parenting, it all comes down to making sure that YOU know you are loved. I love the bond that you have with each of us and pray that those bonds continue to strengthen throughout your life.

 

Transitions take time.

I was mentally prepared to change our daily routines once school started. I was physically prepared to set up your “new” big girl room. I was even spiritually prepared to lean on the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance. But I admit- I was NOT totally emotionally prepared for this.

The excitement of new chapters can occur simultaneously with anxiety of the unknown. When you refused to smile for photos or kiss me as I was leaving on your first day… or when you had meltdowns every evening this first week (hello, earlier mornings and no more mid-day naps!) 😩… or when you insisted that you would walk yourself to class on just the second day of school… and lastly, when your total disposition shifts everyday as the safety patrol opens the car door for you to walk to class by yourself. I see your nerves rise up and I want to protect you… and hold your hand. But at the same time, I know that these are growth moments for you. I was reminded by my best friends that the confidence you’re showing is evidence that I’m doing what I’m suppose to do as your mother… giving you roots and wings. Yes, that’s it!

 

I have no doubt that you will excel academically because you are already so intelligent, observant and have a love for reading and math. My greatest hope for you this year is that you grow in the areas of kindness, responsibility and identity. Thank God we have village (family, friends, church family, and educators) to help us on this journey.

 

I love you, Babycakes, and I am so proud of you. Let’s show kindergarten what we came to do! (oh, that rhymed!) 😌 haha

Love,

Your Mommy

Bobby Ruffin

My dad died on Sunday, and I’ve experienced a very interesting range of emotions over the course of this week. I didn’t know my dad well, and he didn’t know me. Because of this fact, I have gone back and forth in my head with the thought that I don’t even have reason or permission to grieve. And as I thought more and more about the impact that being estranged from my biological father has had on my life, I realized that it has taught me a few lessons.

 

#1: Everyone does what they think is right

Last year, around the time I was about to release my song “HFD”, I had some real conversations with my dad about parenting. To me, it’s been difficult to call him “father” because I felt that he hadn’t fathered me at all. I explained that to him. I explained to him that’s it’s really hard to build a relationship with someone (or their relatives) after learning how to live without them for over 20 years… and I think it’s safe to say that neither one of us could figure out how to navigate that space. He explained to me that he felt he had “done right by me” by paying [some] child support until I was in college. This was frustrating to me because I know, now more than ever, that true child support is so much more than money.

Though I still disagreed with him, it was after this conversation that I came to this realization: everyone does what they think is right. And it doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person when their “right” doesn’t match yours. And it was in that moment that I was able to enter a deeper dimension of forgiveness for my dad.

I used to be torn about how my relatives on my dad’s side of the family would perceive me if I didn’t do “what was right” by cultivating a deeper relationship with my him. But I’m learning to let go of that. It’s not about other people. It’s about you and God. I’ve also learned that forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Seek God, and do what brings you peace.

 

#2: You may have to forgive people who feel they haven’t done anything wrong.

Self explanatory.

Forgiving people who hurt you may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. You may think “they don’t deserve forgiveness”. But who does?!! Do the work to forgive it anyway. When it gets challenging for me, I always remember the forgiveness that God shows to me every single day. It makes the tasks a little less daunting and reminds me of the necessity to do so. Remember: Forgiveness isn’t for the other person. It’s for you. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Move on with your life.

 

#3: You can’t change the past, but the past can change you.

Being able to acknowledge your past without living in it takes true maturity. I think my dad knew this. I think perhaps the reason he never brought up the past was because he knew there was nothing he could do to change it. And I’m not talking about airing dirty laundry here; I’m talking about mending broken relationships.

My parents divorced when I was about seven years old. I don’t have many memories with my dad, and as a now single parent, I understand the complexities of this reality more and more. I’m not saying it’s right, but I do understand it. In an attempt to avoid perpetuating the same cycle, I try very hard [with a lot of help from the Holy Spirit] to maintain peace with your dad. Every child deserves to have a relationship with their parent. Especially you, my dear. I had to learn this.

Though I didn’t have a close relationship with my dad, and we rarely talked about the past, I can see that the past changed him. My dad remarried, and he became a devoted husband and father to my younger brother. And in a moment when I was consoling my brother after this loss, I was genuinely thankful that he’d had the opportunity to experience my dad’s growth as a father.

 

#4 Never stop singing. 

The final thing (for today’s letter) that I learned from my dad was to never stop singing.

My dad was known by everyone for a few things- his handyman capabilities, his jokes, his love for fishing, and his singing. He even used to be in a band. From what I hear, they were pretty good too! He experienced a lot of health issues over the years, but one thing that remained constant was singing. He had one of those old school quartet voices. The last thing he did before leaving this Earth was sing in the church choir… “It’s in my heart to serve the Lord”. And now, he’s singing with the angels.

 

As my aunt (dad’s sister) told me, “Death is never convenient.” It’s sad and it hurts, but you must move forward. I won’t apologize for my truth as it pertains to my dad. Instead, I choose to learn from it. I choose peace.

Rest In Peace, Bobby Gene Ruffin. 💜

#letterstoGrey

 

Untitled.

I snapped this picture at bedtime last week. It may seem uninteresting to most, but for me, I love the authenticity of it. The first thing I notice is the Pinterest-inspired paint project I did a couple of years ago. Although it’s imperfect, I was excited to do it just for you. I see you reading your book of Bible stories… because I’m reading. You truly do mimic everything I do (so I have to be careful). I see the mismatched sheets on the bed and the pad underneath you- the woes of changing/washing sheets multiple times a week because of nighttime accidents. I see myself laying in the other twin-sized bed across from you… in your bedroom… the place I’ve grown accustomed to while we figure out this whole sleep-in-your-own-bed-in-your-own-room thing. I see the sacrifices of a mother. I see the boldness of a child. I see the realities of life. I see peace and serenity. I see our home. I see love. 💞

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#letterstoGrey

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